Thursday, July 31, 2008

Drunk driver crashes truck into parked car. Passenger takes over, crashes truck into another parked car. On the same street.

Police say two drunken friends crashed their pickup truck into a parked car in New York City's northern suburbs and then drove down the street and crashed it again. Peekskill Detective Sgt. Eric Johansen said he's "never seen anything like it."

The crashes happened over the weekend. Police said one of the men couldn't pull the truck free of the parked car he had hit so his friend hopped behind the steering wheel. They say the friend freed the truck but then drove it into another car parked down the block. The men have been charged with driving while intoxicated and leaving the scene of a property damage accident.

Y SO SRS?

This photo can't be explained. WTF!

Just the right angle.

Passenger decapitated on Greyhound bus.

A 40-year-old man is in custody in Manitoba after a young man was stabbed — and, witnesses said, decapitated — aboard a Greyhound bus travelling through the province overnight.

Thirty-seven people were aboard the bus en route to Winnipeg from Edmonton. Colwell said the "brave" behaviour of the passengers and driver probably prevented anyone else from being hurt.

Garnet Caton, who was sitting in the seat in front of the victim, said he saw the attacker stab his seatmate, a young man sleeping with his headphones on. Caton said he heard a "blood-curdling scream" and turned around to see the attacker holding a large "Rambo" hunting knife above the victim, "continually stabbing him in the chest area."

"He must have stabbed him 50 times or 60 times," said Caton. "Like, just everywhere, arms, legs, neck, chest, guts, wherever he could swing it, he got it," said Olmstead.

Don't watch this. Seriously -- it's really gross.

Don't worry -- it's a hybrid.

Wife cheats on husband. Husband gets revenge by selling her wedding dress to pay for divorce.

A Pennsylvania man whose wife left him for a younger man is selling her wedding dress on eBay to help pay for his divorce lawyer.

The dress is pretty much all he has left to show of his 11-year marriage and the headline on eBay sums it up: "Selling dress to pay for divorce! Wife cheated." The bidding starts at only $50 and the man, he only wishes to be known as "Jimmy,"says it's a good price considering the dress has never been worn. Well, except by Jimmy, who is pictured in it on eBay.

"I figured, what the heck, a little humor can't hurt." Jimmy, a hard working member of the U.S. military, said he bought the dress for his former wife so they could renew their vows since they never had a traditional ceremony. Jimmy says after he paid for his wife to undergo gastric bypass surgery their marriage started to crumble: "Bottom line, wife got skinny, wife cheated."

Then he says she walked out with everything the couple owned, including their children and left him with credit card debt and the dress. So what's a man to do?

Sell the dress to make some money to get out of debt and get a divorce.

Come on, throw me higher!

Heath McLedger?

Casino asks smelly 440-pound gambler to leave after 17 hours

A 440-pound Brooklyn man said he was playing poker in an Atlantic City casino for 17 hours Tuesday and didn't have time to clean up. He understands why grossed-out gamblers complained about his body odor, but said he didn't deserve stinky treatment from the casino that asked him to leave.

Dave Coskey, a spokesman for the Borgata Hotel Casino & Spa, said it is company policy not to comment on matters involving their customers.

Wax said he told casino officials: "There's no question I stink. I'm not denying it. I do have an odor. I've been playing for 17 hours." The 54-year-old limousine company owner, who says he is a frequent gambler at the Borgata, said a poker room manager followed him into the restroom and informed him that patrons at his table were complaining about his body odor.

When he tried to re-take his seat at the table, he said a manager told him he couldn't play anymore and to leave. He said he asked for a free room to freshen up, and the casino refused.

He promptly filed a complaint about his treatment with the Casino Control Commission. His complaint will be reviewed to determine whether any state gambling laws or regulations were violated, a commission spokesman said Wednesday.

I would disagree.

I wish I was a man? WTF.

Dude puts aviation fuel into car.

A 20-year-old man is accused of breaking into a small airport and trying to fill up his car's gas tank with aviation gasoline.

"We've had people try and steal gas here in the past," said Jim Meide, who works at Reid-Hillview Airport. "It's really stupid. Put aviation gas in your car and it's so heavily leaded that eventually your valves warp and you'll end up with some very expensive repairs."

The suspect was arrested Sunday night on suspicion of driving while intoxicated and attempted theft. But he probably wasn't trying to save money. The aviation fuel in the pumps used for aircraft and race cars was going for $5.97 a gallon, accessed only by a credit card, authorities said.

"Sometimes," Meide said, "these people have the notion that since it's racing fuel it'll make their car go faster."

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Hello.

I'm here, I promise. Across-the-Board isn't dead, I promise. Life is just busy right now, I'll brb, promise.
--

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Who says online AD placement doesn't work?

WNBA Live 2008.

Font Conference.

Sex, blood & baby names: U.S. crazy for gas

Some U.S. motorists sick of getting clobbered at the pump seem willing to do just about anything for free fuel, from giving up the right to name their children to stealing from day-care centers to donating blood.

In Orlando, Florida, David Partin pledged to name his son after local radio hosts to win a $100 gas card as part of a contest. Partin will collect the card in December, when his son is born, if he can produce a birth certificate proving the baby is named Dixon Willoughby Partin, after the hosts.

"(His wife said) this is his problem to explain when the child is older," Greg Stevens, WHTQ-FM program director told Reuters.

While you were out getting stoned...

Wife Will Never Touch a Gun Again

Woman accidentally stabs herself with 36-inch sword

A woman accidentally stabbed herself in the foot with a 36-inch sword while performing a Wiccan good luck ritual at a Lebanon cemetery.

Police say 36-year-old Katherine Gunther of Lebanon pierced her left foot with the sword while performing the rite at Oak Hill Cemetery on Saturday. Gunther says she was performing the ceremony to give thanks for a recent run of good luck. The ceremony involves the use of candles, incense and driving swords into the ground during the full moon.

Gunther said was aiming to put the sword in the ground, but hit her foot instead.

Forget the kids, it's already too late.

Dude tries to jump on chair then ...just watch it.

Dude is suing church for 'god injury'.

A man said he was so consumed by the spirit of God that he fell and hit his head while at a Knoxville church. Now he wants Lakewind Church to pay $2.5 million for medical bills, lost income, and pain and suffering he said he's endured from his injuries.

Matt Lincoln, 57, says he decided to sue the church after its insurance company denied his claim for medical bills. Lincoln has had two surgeries since the June 2007 incident but said he still feels pain in his back and his legs.

The Sevier County man said he was asking God to have "a real experience" while praying at church. He said he has fallen from the force of the spirit before but has always been caught by someone. Lawyers for the church said other congregants saw him on the floor laughing after his fall. They said he failed to look out for his own safety.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

The Intamacies Of "Queefing" (NSFW)

WTF.

Chick gets knocked out in 1-punch to the face.

Dude does double backflip -- then eats it.

Andy Dick pulls down 17-year-old's shirt.

Andy Dick has been arrested on suspicion of drug possession and sexual battery. Police picked the comic up in Murieta, California early on Wednesday morning after revellers at a local bar reported Dick's inappropriate behaviour.

They told the authorities he had pulled a 17-year-old female's T-shirt and bra down to expose her breasts after leaving the bar. Police stopped Dick and friends as they drove away from the establishment in a truck.

During a curbside search, police reportedly found marijuana and Xanax in Dick's pockets. The intoxicated comedian was booked at a nearby police station and remains in custody as Wenn went to press.

Dude takes one to the nuts -- then faceplants.

Weed found in 2-year-old's lunch box.

Preschool staff could not believe their eyes when they found marijuana in the toddler's lunch box Tuesday. The Charlotte County Sheriff's Office is investigating the bizarre incident, where a teacher located a wrapper with suspected marijuana while retrieving the child's fruit snacks.

"We were very shocked," said Suzanne Hilton, director of Our Little World, on Thursday. "But we weren't sure what it was."

According to a Sheriff's Office report, the teacher was getting ready for lunch Tuesday, when she checked the toddler's box for the fruit snacks. While searching the lunch box, she noticed a plastic wrapper with a green leafy substance in the front zipper pouch. The substance later tested positive for marijuana.

Hilton told authorities the toddler's parents are divorced, but the dad's girlfriend had dropped the child off Tuesday, the report said. Because of the split, the toddler has two lunch boxes: a red and blue one. But Hilton said she wasn't sure which color box belonged to which parent, according to the report.

Dunk: epic FAIL.

Mac vs. PC

Facts about dating.

Dude finds Subway baked knife in his sandwich.

A New York man claimed in a lawsuit filed on Wednesday that he found a knife with a 7-inch (18-cm) blade baked into the bread of his foot-long "Cold Cut Trio" Subway sandwich.

John Agnesini, 26, a magazine designer, said he had already taken a few bites from the sandwich in late June when he spotted the knife jutting out from the bread's crust. The lawsuit, filed in Manhattan state court, seeks $1 million. "If I didn't look at it, I don't know what would have happened," said Agnesini. "That's the last thing you think about a sandwich you eat all the time."

A colleague telephoned the chain to complain, but Subway never apologized, he said. Subway spokesman Kevin Kane said in a statement the company was investigating.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Who needs sick flames painted on the side of their car when they can just have ...sick.

Scary Chuck-E-Cheese puppets lip-sync to Usher.

Dude smacked with toliet seat after being caught with crack

A Fort Pierce couple has been arrested after the woman allegedly hit her boyfriend with a toilet seat because he was doing drugs.

Kimberlee Cole, 18, told police she found Joel Goldsmith smoking cocaine in their bathroom Sunday night. Cole turned the shower on Goldsmith, 24, to wash away the drugs. The two argued and when Goldsmith refused to stop smoking the drugs, authorities say Cole hit him with a toilet seat. Goldsmith was charged with cocaine possession and later released on bond. Cole faces a battery charge and was released without posting bond.

Save trees. Trees save.

[hilarious] Stephen Colbert vs. Rain, dance off

Women arrested for oral sex competition.

Nine British women were facing prostitution charges after being arrested at the weekend for taking part in an oral sex competition in the Greek holiday island of Zakynthos, police said on Monday.

Six British and six Greek men, including two bar owners, were also charged in the incident, which took place off the west coast of mainland Greece.

The women, who came to the popular resort on holiday, had been paid to take part in the competition, which was video recorded and was to be posted on the Internet, police said. The men were charged with encouraging obscene behavior.

No one can drink your coffee without the key.

Not quite the 'Star Wars kid' -- but he's close.

Woman has 140-pound tumor removed.

Throughout her life, Linda Rittenbach has struggled with her weight.

“You get bigger and bigger and bigger,” said Rittenbach, who has two grown children. “And then you go to your doctor and they tell you, ‘You need to lose weight — you’re fat!’” Doctors told her a 140-pound cancerous tumor — a rare kind of liposcarcoma — was growing near her stomach. They said it had likely been growing for 15 to 20 years.

“My doctor told me I had two choices,” she said. “I could either live or die. And I had a 20 percent chance if I had the surgery. And if I didn’t have the surgery, I would die at home where my family would find me, and I didn’t want that.” It took doctors three operations, over two months, in Redmond and at Oregon Health and Sciences University in Portland to remove the tumor.

Doctors also had to remove both kidneys to complete the surgery, and they were able to put only one back. The other kidney was so damaged in surgery that it couldn’t be saved, doctors told Rittenbach.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Pillow Talk.

James and the Giant... wait -- wtf?

Woman kills husband with folding couch.

A Russian woman in St Petersburg killed her drunk husband with a folding couch, Russian media reported on Wednesday.

St Petersburg's Channel Five said the man's wife, upset with her husband for being drunk and refusing to get up, kicked a handle after an argument, activating a mechanism that folds the couch up against a wall.

The couch, which doubles as a bed, folds up automatically in order to save space. The man fell between the mattress and the back of the couch, Channel Five quoted emergency workers as saying. The woman then walked out of the room and returned three hours later to check on what she thought was an unusually quiet sleeping husband.

Video on the television channel's website showed emergency workers sawing away the side panels of a couch to remove a man in his underwear lying headfirst between the cushions. Emergency workers said the man died instantly.

Dude spills flaming shot ...watch what happens.

Hummer H2's only look tough.

Drunk 'guidos' in Mexico try to dance.

Dude faces 20 years for keeping sex slave in basement

A man accused of housing a teenage girl in the basement of his parents' home and molesting her hundreds of times will face up to 20 years in prison after copping a plea on Wednesday to more than a dozen felony counts of child abuse and domestic violence.

John France Gonzales, a 23-year-old former pharmacy technician, had been charged with 142 felonies, including more than 100 counts of child abuse, many involving sodomy and oral copulation.

Gonzales met the girl in 2000, when she was 10 years old and living in San Bruno with her aunt, whom Gonzales was dating, according to former defense attorney Jeffery Neubarth. Gonzales molested the girl for the first time when she was 12 and maintained his relationship with the girl for several years while she lived in San Bruno and with her grandmother in Healdsburg.

Gonzales allegedly took the girl from her grandmother's home in August 2005 and told her that she could not return, eventually moving her into a bedroom at his parents' Daly City home in October 2005, according to prosecutors.

Read his t-shirt.

What if this were real?

Dude busted for display of naked Barbie dolls, porn mags in car.

New Jersey State Police arrested a 47-year-old man, whose allegedly display of a topless Barbie doll and explicit porn magazines inside his car caused a stir at a Garden State Parkway rest area.

Robert Martin, of Dennis Township, N.J., had women's underwear on a platter, in addition to the naked doll on the dashboard of his car, investigators said. The car is still at the Ocean View Service Plaza but the porn is not; state police seized it. But people there said they certainly haven't forgotten the graphic images they saw inside.

"The only regret I do have is probably having the Barbie doll up on the dash board. Being topless, maybe that drew some attention," Martin said.

To call it a 'tramp stamp' would be an understatement.

Is this a good commercial? Or is it just sad?

$55,000 found in jail bathroom toliet dispenser

A correctional officer at the intake facility at the St. Louis County Justice Center last week found $55,000 stuffed behind a toilet paper dispenser.

The bundle of money was in $100 and $50 bills, said Clayton Police Chief Thomas Byrne. Officials interviewed inmates about the money, but none admitted knowing anything about the stashed cash.

Free Air Guitars

Doctors pull screws, nails from metal-eating man

Doctors in a coastal town in northwestern Peru have rescued the innards of a 38-year-old man by removing 17 metal objects -- among them nails, a watch clasp and a knife -- that he ate.

Luis Zarate was taken to the regional hospital of Trujillo earlier this week by his family after complaining of sharp stomach pains. Doctors took X-rays of his chest that showed his insides littered with screws.

"There were 17 strange objects found at the level of his stomach and colon," said Dr. Julio Acevedo, one of the surgeons who operated on Zarate. The black-and-white scans showed Zarate's skeleton interlaced with things like bolts, barbed-wire and pens.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

8,118 blog posts and over 2 million visitors.

...some pretty amazing facts/statistics about Across-the-Board. Who would I like to thank for this?

You.

Thank YOU for all your loyal support over the years (yes, years). I know some of you hold Across-the-Board up to high standards in your daily entertainment. Your comments and compliments is what makes me keep reinvesting my time for you. Thanks for all the referrals and links you've provided me to support the content that is here at Across-the-Board. I'll still be doing my best to provide you with only quality stuff here at ACB as much as I can. My schedule is making it harder to post every weekday -- but I will still be posting as frequently as I can. Again, Thank you.
--

http://www.ramseymohsen.com/

In his new movie, Van Damme plays a squirrel.

Keep it classy.

Naked man arrested after hijacking Las Vegas bus.

Police in Las Vegas say they arrested a naked man who stole a beer and then hijacked a bus several miles northeast of the Strip.

A police spokesman says the man fled from a convenience store when an officer arrived to investigate a report of a shoplifter Tuesday. The man allegedly punched in a back window of a Citizens Area Transit bus, climbed aboard, forced the driver off, drove the bus about 200 yards and then jumped off the moving vehicle.

A police officer climbed aboard the bus and stopped the vehicle. Police say the man was arrested on felony charges and given clothes and a mental evaluation.

Geek panties. ;)

Shit.

Three Matthew McConaugheys and A Baby.

A greeting card so cute, you'll puke.

(thanks Whitney M.)

What is your precious daughter doing? Threatening to shoot a 12-year-old with an AR-15. All because of a text message.

Alachua County Sheriff’s deputies arrested a 17-year-old for threatening another girl with an assault rifle Tuesday night. The girl is facing a charge of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon with intent to kill, said Sheriff’s Office spokesman Lt. Steve Maynard.

A 12-year-old girl told officers the teenager threatened her with the weapon after the two started fighting, Maynard said. The girl said she was walking with her younger cousin when the teenager confronted her. The pair fought over an accusation the younger girl had sent text messages and made phone calls that angered the teenager. Maynard said the girl and witnesses reported the 17-year-old then went to her home and came back outside armed with the gun. The teenager told the younger girl she would shoot her, deputies reported. The weapon, which belongs to a person at the teen’s home, is an AR-15 assault rifle, Maynard said.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

How to pole dance (Dad must be proud).

Push the button and run you idiot.

Woman accidently shoots self in the knee and injures friend in groin. While trying to kill mice. In her trailer. With a .44 Magnum

A Potter Valley woman wounded herself and a man July 3 while attempting to kill mice with a .44-caliber Magnum revolver, according to the Mendocino County Sheriff's Office.

The woman, 43, had drawn the gun from a holster under her left arm, intending to shoot mice scurrying across the floor of a small travel trailer on Highway 20 in Potter Valley, according to the Sheriff's Office.

The revolver instead slipped from her hand and fired as it struck the floor, according to the Sheriff's Office. The bullet went through the woman's right kneecap, then hit keys hanging on the belt loop of a 42-year-old man in the trailer, officials said. The bullet glanced off the keys and tore a hole in the man's pants.

The bullet grazed the man's groin before stopping in his coin pocket, where it was recovered for evidence, according to the Sheriff's Office.

But I don't want to go swimming!

The human mirror (improv everywhere).

When you move out of college you leave some things behind.

Dude vs. bike ramp.

Receptionist finds baby bat in her bra.

When Abbie Hawkins felt a strange vibrating sensation in her bra while at work she simply assumed that it was her mobile phone ringing.

The hotel receptionist was therefore rather taken aback to discover that it was actually a bat that had made its home in her underwear – and that it had been there all morning.

As amused hotel staff crowded around the front desk to get a better look, a shocked Miss Hawkins delved into her bra and pulled out the small furry creature. Miss Hawkins, 19, who works at the Holiday Inn near Norwich International Airport said: ‘Once I realised it was a bat I was shocked, but then I felt quite sorry for it really.

The bat had remained hidden in her bra since she had got ready for work that morning and had lain undetected until lunchtime.

Where the Hell is Matt?

(thanks Justin W)

Photoworthy: The water wall.

Lazy Saturday vs. Depression.

Dude flys in lawn chair w/balloons from Oregon to Idaho.

Riding a green lawn chair supported by a rainbow array of more than 150 helium-filled party balloons, Kent Couch took off Saturday in a third bid to fly from central Oregon all the way to Idaho.

"If I had the time and money and people, I'd do this every weekend," Couch said before getting into the chair. "Things just look different from up there. You've moving so slowly. The best thing is the peace, the serenity.

Couch hoped to ride the prevailing wind to the area of McCall, Idaho, about 230 miles east. He travels at about 20 mph. Each balloon gives four pounds of lift. The chair was about 400 pounds, and Couch and his parachute 200 more. "I'd go to 30,000 feet if I didn't shoot a balloon down periodically," Couch said.

For that job he carried a Red Ryder BB gun and a blow gun equipped with steel darts. He also had a pole with a hook for pulling in balloons, Global Positioning System tracking devices, an altimeter and a satellite phone.
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